Friday, June 16, 2006

People in the Wild: The Obliviot

In the tradition of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, I've started a series called "People in the Wild". Occasionally here I will profile kinds of people one can observe around you "in the wild".

Today's profile is the "Obliviot". Obliviots are those idiots who go through life totally oblivious to everyone around them. They are characterized by a fixed forward gaze, highly directional and variable auditory reception, and unmodulated speech volume. Scientists believe that Obliviots are closely related genetically to the One-Thought-Screamer.

Obliviots are often found at the front of line whether it be the left hand lane of the highway or the local supermarket. Cell phones are an almost universal appendage and their constant use in places like movie theaters appears to some form of mating ritual or territorial marking.

Sadly there is no known predator for the Obliviot. They are impervious to harassment and embarrassment. Direct confrontation rarely has any permanent effect. Avoidance is the best way to deal with the Obliviot. If you see one observe it from a distance, make no direct contact if at all possible, and never ever come under its direct gaze. They are not directly harmful but exposure to its fixed attention will result in temporary transformation of the observer into an Obliviot.

That's all for today from People in the Wild.

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